Because while there's nothing to "fix", there's plenty to change, and yes, Virginia, there is a big difference
I literally can’t count the number of workshops I have attended in order to “fix” something about me. And God knows there has been a lot to address. But actually, not to “fix” - I’m not a flawed machine, after all - but to change.
But HOW? Right? I mean, have you tried to change something in your life? Some have an easy time of it, granted. Circumstances or good karma - I’m not sure which - help them rise very easily. I, however, have not been one of them. I honestly think it’s at least in part due to the fact that I never wanted the easy answers, I want the core answers - those answers that are so fundamental, the resulting changes are like ripples on water after the stone is thrown. I always want the answers that truly do transform.
But I didn’t always know that the relentless pursuit of that desire could also stop me in certain ways.
Let’s see…I’ve tried those literally countless workshops, numerous entrepreneurial efforts, spiritual quests, therapy…
Out of every. single. one. I took so. much. growth.
But shockingly (not) not any. single. one. provided me with a Hollywood Transformation moment! I was looking/hoping/praying/begging for one, but no deal! Which is why I shake my fist at the Hollywood movies that litter my mind with crazy expectations that will never be fulfilled!
Put societal impatience (the mind-numbing preference of instant gratification over quality of life) together with personal impatience: WARNING!
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I wanted that thunderbolt moment, that shift that took me magically out of my pain and into my happy place! You might think that only proves that I’m delusional, but I say that it proves how much pain I was in! The fact that I have studied and worked and questioned and voyaged for over 30 years is, honestly, simply my nature. The Prodigal Daughter, Siddharthette - whatever. But that madcrazy perseverance also shows that I’m a freaking badass! A badass who never gives up. (And Lord knows sometimes I should, if only to spare my nervous system.)
I’ve been able to keep going, even in hideous personal times, because I make sure I’m taking a learning, a bit of personal development or spiritual awareness - whatever I can get my mitts on! - from every experience. Yep. Even (and especially) when I went through homelessness.
Not too long ago I decided to stop persevering in a certain way. I decided to stop trying as hard as I do - the pedal-to-the-metal kind of trying that leaves your brakes worn the hell OUT. I decided that I was not giving myself, my life, my mind, my heart enough oxygen, enough space into which some magic could fall. This was one of my more against-the-grain decisions, to put it mildly. And I’m thinkin’ I’ll be embracing and growing into that for the rest of my days.
So, the first magic that fell in, like one of those drops of rain that falls before the thunderstorm really kicks in, was Mike Dooley. The Thoughts Become Things guy. And he dropped in with a long-ago message I apparently needed to re-embrace: using visualization as a way to invite that magic in. It’s all about energy, really, but that’s another post.
So I started visualizing, putting positive energy out there for 5 minutes a day which, according to Mr. Dooley, will overcome an entire day of negative feeling. And of course things fell apart. It seems to be true, at least in my life, that when I’m ready to make a change, things have to crash before they can be built in the new image. So be it. At this point in my life I can roll with it. Maybe not with elegance and tremendous grace all the time, but I can roll.
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The next drop of rain was a group of entrepreneurs from Australia. I met Pete, my English friend and founder of 6-Star Business, who is a gorgeous soul, a lovely man, and now my partner in Oscar-pursuing crime. I’ve written the screenplay. He’s going to produce it and I’m going to be in it.
And then Pete introduced me to the thicker raindrops, if you will, of this new magic-infused experience. He introduced me to Endre Hoffmann, a Hungarian healer living in Australia. “He’s extraordinary,” said Pete. “I really think you should go talk to him; get the introductory session.” So I did. And while I was a bit underwhelmed by that session, I was intrigued a lot by Endre’s understanding that true transformation is a core experience. Or perhaps I could say more specifically that if the kind of transformation you seek is one that leaves you changed, instead of one that only changes an outside circumstance, ya gotta get to the core of you one way or another.
Transformation is an inside job, they say. Surely you’ve heard that phrase spoken or seen it written? Well, that’s a pleasant little sentence, but honestly I need to have a whole lot of practicality and applicability with my spirituality or it seems like “just a nice idea”.
So anyway, I started working with Endre, and long story short, I’m transforming. From the inside. I have to try not to apply my Hollywood sensibility to the externals, and that’s difficult! What exactly is my Hollywood sensibility, you ask? It goes like this: “Cool! I feel better! So where’s the perfect job? Is it here yet?” No. Patience. Whatsoever. So as I change jobs - and God knows, I’m trying - I have to not expect that! You know: the birds singing, the lovely boss, the magnificently sweet/cool co-workers, etc., etc., etc. No, Hollywood! Get back!
I have to stick with my internal shift, and what that means is that I get to be happier, more at ease, more perfectly okay with the moment, which I sometimes actually find I can be in (yeah, being in the moment - that’s another one that’s not easy, right?).
So what does true transformation look like for me?
It looks like having a far more positive and witty outlook on a miserable job, instead of suffering my miserable job every day. In other words? Yeah, I’m not letting myself feel trapped.
It feels like a strengthened emotional core. Like I’m not so easy to push over, even by my own thoughts! Hey! Nice!
It looks like my not demanding that my next steps look like anything in particular, but instead feel like something in particular: willing, accepting, and focused on who I am rather than what I’m doing. A neat little parlor trick, that one.
It looks like having a different relationship to my thoughts. No longer in a push-me-pull-you situation where I argue with my own head! Endre taught me to say “Next!” to my thoughts. In other words, bring on the next thought! And I am finding that by doing that, my head is letting go of its decades-old grip on me and I’m letting in the possible and the light of possibility even in the middle of some days that make me want to cry. Lemme tell you, it beats the hell out of brooding.
It looks like resilience from the inside, which is different. More than different, this is something I have been seeking for over 30 years.
So, it looks like those, so far. We’ll see what else comes to the fore as I walk/dance/fall/prance/whatever forward.
True transformation - from the core. Wow. It’s actually happening.
Who’da thunk it…
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