Fascination Spoken Here
Because the most fascinating thing of all is our contradictions
I like to break things - break things open and expose the LIGHT inside. This makes a whole lotta noise in my world! At the same time, I like peacefulness and quietude and letting things and people be what and who they are.
Yeah…you try to reconcile those two things in your life!
Fact is: you do! Every day you go to work or you get up and create a new day and you are doing not what you truly yearn to do, but what you think you can do or must/should do.
You know that that’s what is happening, and you’re either the person who gets started learning to manipulate reality to your best outcome, or you start looking for the matches to burn down what you consider a false reality so that you can build the real, the new, the full-of-life expression of all of your contradictory aspects.
I think you know which one is me.
But do you know that my internal tug-of-war has been between (1) being my explorer self and being okay with it, and (2) being my explorer self but believing that I’m really supposed to instead be a conformist?
That has caused a lot of stress.
I’m sure it works the other way too, creating stress for those who conform but think they should be non-conforming.
What is so bad about just being our crazy selves????
Why not CELEBRATE being nuts? Okay…not nuts, exactly, but contradictory, extraordinarily unique, bizarre even! And thus, fascinating?
The open-minded/open-hearted among us are very cool with other peoples’ differences…as long as those people aren’t devoid of respect for ours.
But when it comes to our own “different-ness”, we forget just how extraordinary that makes us. We forget how fascinating we ourselves intrinsically are and we start hiding. Big time. All pretty and handsome on the outside; all loony tunes - and fabulously fascinating - on the inside.
I did something last Friday that was…unexpected. It revealed something to me about myself that I now think is pretty awesome, if also a little terrifying.
See, there is a supervisor at work who stuck his foot in it, big time! He said something legally actionable to a friend of mine, which is really awful. But worse for him is that he put it in writing.
The guy has issues, so as a fellow human I feel for him. As someone who has been on the brunt of his disrespect, I got no use for further interaction with him. And as someone who is appalled that he was emotionally abusive toward a friend of mine, I’ve got a problem with that.
Now, in the past I would have been so riled up by this situation, I would have been steaming all day Friday and trying to round up the troops to make demands, walk out, storm the castle!
And to be honest, I was ready to do all of that if necessary. (Clearly, I watch too many movies…) But it wasn’t. And I was super calm and cool with the entire situation. (Clearly, I’ve grown.)
Before the day had barely begun, the man at the top of the call center heap had learned of the situation.
It’s Christmas morning and your wife has opened your personal gift. Her eyes fill with tears and she throws herself into your arms, pressing her lips against yours. You feel the connection flood your being as your eyes meet; she knows that you see her as the complex and magnificent woman she truly is…and your relationship deepens…
Ever give a PERSONALIZED GIFT? ART is my jam…you tell me about your person, I reflect back what I “get” about them, we talk about details, and I get to work! A lot of times, magic takes over. For instance, I drew the image below for myself during a time of feeling lost. As I write this, I realize that it reminds me of a sailboat in the sky…I was going somewhere after all…)
In other words, do you have someone who would go nuts over a piece of artwork created only for them? Click here to send me an email and we’ll talk. Small, medium, or large - black-and-white or colorful - thematic or abstract - show her/him.
To see more styles, go here.
And before the day was out, he had spoken privately with my friend. Kindly. Responsively. Supportively. And he was pissed at the situation. PISSED!
My friend, who had been utterly terrified to speak with him, fearing that somehow this would backfire on her and get her fired was instead comforted and strengthened and got to leave work that day having successfully built her courage muscles. Hoorah!
As for me, while I was all energized about the situation, I didn’t feel that all-too-familiar and overwhelming need to do something, NOW! To right that wrong! To go into the Justice First stance of the Activist Without Her Own Cause.
But my subconscious had other ideas.
Coming back from “lunch” - currently 4PM-5PM (sigh) - I headed out of the lunchroom toward my desk but that’s not where I ended up. My feet walked me right to the top guy’s open door. (“We have an open door policy.”)
[I see you all cringing right now. Shut up! I’m with you! I know!]
I knocked on his door gently and he turned from his computer. I said, “I just wanted to pop in and thank you so much for being so kind to my friend, _______. She was very frightened before speaking with you. So I just wanted to say thanks.”
Just what the merry hell was I doing????
The man looked terrified and blurted out with some defensiveness, “We’re taking care of it.” Thank God I didn’t respond to that - what would I have said? “You’d better!”???? - and I reiterated my thanks and left.
At the end of the night, I went to a supervisor friend and we talked about what was going on…
I told her the whole dramatic saga of what had happened to my friend and then I said, “And then… because I’m an idiot, I walked into his office and said…” and I told her the story. She burst out laughing at my impression of our boss’s response. Turns out he’s a kind soul, even if he does think working in the dark is a fabulous idea, but yes, I had terrified him by my action and she said, “What were you thinking?”
I said, “I know! That’s EXACTLY what I asked myself as I walked away!” We stared at each other owlishly for a few moments before insight dawned for both of us and we said it at the same time: I was putting him on notice that We ALL Know.
(See? That’s the burning-things-down propensity. God only knows how I’ve earned money all these years. And God also knows very well - and now you do too - why sometimes I haven’t!)
Was I really an “idiot” or was I a “savant”?
If you share the world’s fear of authority, I just did a seriously stupid thing. I put myself on the boss’s radar and I inserted myself where I didn’t belong. IDIOT!
If you look at what I did from the perspective of speaking truth to power, and doing so silently, cleverly - by-damn(!) - with undertones worthy of an undercover statesman (statesperson?) - I was a goddamn savant! I did nothing that I could be blamed for - I wasn’t angry or demanding but was in fact expressing gratitude - and yet the message got through, clear as a bell. SAVANT!
[Calling Lori’s Subconscious to the business courtesy phone! Lori’s Subconscious to the business courtesy phone!
Lori’s Subconscious: Yes?
Lori’s Self-Preservation: Shut the fuck up.]
Calling all inner rebels and massive questioners! Are you alone during the holidays? Let’s not suffer - let’s reach out, and in. Buy a journal and I will send you video instructions on how to do Wisdom Writing, which connects you remarkably deeply and magically with yourself. If enough of you buy one, I’ll hold a Holiday Webinar and we can write together!
Over this weekend I stumbled across a piece of writing on the internet about author Jill Soloway (the writer of the book I Love Dick (and subsequent awesome serialized movie - on Amazon Prime, if you’re interested). The piece talked about two heroines from two different stories Soloway had written. And the heroine from I Love Dick was described as someone who likes to burn things down.
I had just read the description of an impassioned and irrepressible woman in an accepting and positive context, and I had a goddamn epiphany!
It’s okay to be a barn-burner of a personality, because - well - Kali!
In the Hindu philosophy, Kali is the one that is necessary if the new is ever to emerge. She is the one who burns the old and unnecessary things down, and then Shiva shows up and chills her out so that the new can be built; the burning is necessary, and so is the cooling. Think of the end of the movie Wall*E, when it becomes clear that out of the ashes of the ruined world and centuries-ignored world has grown LIFE in all of its greenery and vibrancy, and you may catch the image that is in my mind.
We can never settle for what seems to be. We have to question and explore and let go of what is no longer necessary. That is unbelievably difficult for us humans! And it has to be done.
In my mind and heart, what alleviates this personality of mine is that I’ve got care and greater vision and some service folded in with my righteousness. Keeps me from literally trying to burn things down.
Here’s the thing: Why not be at least 50% fascinated with who I am and why I am, rather than 100% committed to telling myself, pejoratively, how effed-up I am in not fitting in to the expectations of an effed-up society???
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society”, goes the quote (perhaps accurately) attributed to Krishnamurti. Certainly my lifelong attempt to be the emotionally free me - internally, wholly, and externally as much as possible - is not lauded by our shared society.
But my healing journey is to let go of the struggle against recognizing myself - stop resisting the truth - accept lovingly what-is: the Is-ness of me. And this weekend I realized the self-supporting thought that there is a place in this world for the one who wants to cauterize the wound, burn down the shed full of shackles and illusions and set the slaves free.
…the slaves being us…
This weekend, that thought - that a heroine can be one who is not going to settle for anything and is going to say, “The Emperor has no clothes!” - gave me the oxygen I needed to look at who I am with acceptance.
When is the last time you looked with acceptance at a part of yourself with which you have a love-hate, push-me-pull-you relationship?
I am not suggesting that we rage through our days making the world our bitch! I am not suggesting that we run self-righteously rampant through people and situations without consideration for the whole that we are a part of. I am suggesting that internally it makes so much sense to make room for ourselves so that we can discern what to keep, and what to release, and when to speak up!
The release I experienced from seeing that trait of mine as a positive allowed me to explore instead of deplore. It allowed me to stop shoulding on myself and be fascinated with my response and all of its many layers of meaning and reason for being.
If I were more of a traditional meditator maybe I would have been able to see this in silence and reflection. But for me, the message rising through the voice of the arts comes as no appreciable surprise.
I’ll take it, however it came! And I will continue to hold myself in greater and greater kindness and less and less arbitrary rule-following because I - like you - am far more fascinatingly and unfoldingly magnificent in my uniqueness than I can ever be in pursuing my far-from-my-true-self “rights” or “wrongs”. And because I - like you - will always learn and grow far more from observation and curiosity and unfolding than I ever will from trying to box myself into shoulds, rules and ought-to’s.
As if any of us really can, in the end…
Love and Moxie,
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